we need a humor forum.....until then

[fishbone]

....Happy and Sad..

..A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

..The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time”.

....She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest Johnson."

[swmft]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'

[Butch Lambert]

mike in co,
I'm not going to read all of them, so tell me if somebody else posted this one.

An Amish Traffic Stop



An Amish woman was driving her buggy when a traffic officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the triangle reflector on the back of your buggy is about to fall off."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your
husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would fix it immediately." Also," said the woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[swmft]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.


The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless

[Roger T]

aaah yes ..the OTHER cheek is showing.....

[mike in co]

butch...
i'll give you a "brake" on that one...
mike in co

[Nor Cal Mikie]

What do you call an Amish Farmer with his arm 1/2 way up a horses rear end?
Mechanic!

[kansasvet]

Subject: Women Just aren't Right
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another kid".
You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts".

[Vern]

Kansas that one really made me laugh. I gotta remember that one.

[swmft]

I’m not the best looking guy; some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges these days.
But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, “Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!”

[ConRich]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat
sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos,
fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes
me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[alinwa]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin,

orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[mike in co]

Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas ..

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,
Shoulda bought a hat.'

[fishbone]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[ConRich]

The Zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise up to the height of
the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile
to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She
went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was
friends."