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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #991
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    238

    Local Cops

    I have a roadblock 300m from my home near the NSW-Vic border. It is to check anybody crossing the border in case they come from a covid hotspot (We still have the occasional one in Oz).

    Feeling in a cheeky mood the conversation went like this.

    Cop. "Good afternoon sir, where have you just travelled from?"

    Me. "My mum told me not to talk to strangers"

    Cop. "If you do not answer you may be turned around or be arrested and taken to the nearest police station"

    Me. "My mum also told me not to get into their car"

    After a few smiles and an id check all was cool so I went home, gotta love Australian cops, most of them are pretty nice people.

    This is a true story.

    * doggie *

  2. #992
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,251
    A wealthy donor to politicians spoke to a recipient of his donations, demanding the Congressman give a job to the donor’s son.

    The Congressman asked the donor, “What can your son do? Does he have any talents or skills?”

    “Nope, not a thing,” replied the dad.

    “Great!” Said the Congressman. “We won’t have to train him.”

  3. #993
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    602
    Confucious say "Woman can run faster with skirt up than man can with pants down."

  4. #994
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    497

    Churches vs squirrels

    Churches vs squirrels



    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

    At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

  5. #995
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    South Australia
    Posts
    159
    A man is drinking at a bar, when a very attractive blonde lady in quite a skimpy dress moves in next to him.
    "Mmmmm, she said, you smell nice....what have you got on?"

    To which he replied..

    "Actually I've got a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it!"

  6. #996
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    602


    Last edited by antelopedundee; 02-03-2021 at 11:49 AM.

  7. #997
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Southwest New York
    Posts
    20
    President Biden aka WALTER

  8. #998
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    190

    Sunday morning....

    In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in a nearby pew
    saying a prayer.

    She was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

    “Dear Lord: This last year has been very tough. You have taken my
    favorite actors Sean Connery, Kirk Douglas and Diana Rigg; my favorite
    television host, Alex Trebek; Carl Reiner from ‘Your Show of Shows’;
    my favorite singer from the 50’s, Little Richard; even Charlie Daniels
    and Kenny Rogers my two favorite country western singers; and from
    sports you took Gale Sayers and my favorite basketball player Kobe
    Bryant.”

    “I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Joe Biden,
    Kamala Harris, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer."

  9. #999
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    238
    When I was in church I heard a little girl who said. "Dear God, can you please send some clothes for the ladies on grandpa's computer"

    *doggie*

  10. #1000
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,251

    Bottle Of Merlot

    Dave asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

    So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated Dave with a nod of his head.

    She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at Dave, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

    The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to Dave.
    The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants.

    After reading the note, Dave decided to compose one of his own in return.

    He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

    It read: “Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, and a Mercedes CL600 in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and share portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. JUST SEND THE WINE BACK!"
    Last edited by Dave Coots; 02-04-2021 at 04:19 PM.

  11. #1001
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,251
    True Story
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  12. #1002
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,251

    For True

    Yep
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  13. #1003
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,251

    Super Bowl

    Points
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  14. #1004
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Western north carolina
    Posts
    12

    brenda's beaver

    Here's a little something to make you laugh, i think i laughed harder at the lady trying to read the story. They deleted it over on accurate shooter said it was inappropriate I just ask him to delete me as well

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZP5wQkBvVg
    Last edited by bdale; 02-12-2021 at 02:38 PM.

  15. #1005
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    497
    I met a Magical Fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.



    "I wish to live forever," I said.



    "Sorry," said the Fairy, "That is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."



    "Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"



    "You crafty little bastard," replied the Fairy.

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